Behavior Management 101

We are super lucky that all the kids are good students, hard workers, and behave themselves in school.  We have made it abundantly clear that we expect nothing less.

Two weeks ago Solomon's teacher, Miss Johnson, emailed me that he was ignoring her student teacher's directions and misbehaving in class and that same day the recess ladies came in to tell her that he had ignored their directions on the playground as well.  When he came home from school that day I said calmly, "Solomon, Miss Johnson told me that you had some problems at school today."  His siblings all froze in their tracks and looked intently at him... then me... then him... something big was going down here and they didn't want to miss anything.

Solomon dropped his head, stared at the floor, stuck out his bottom lip, and refused to respond.  So I said, "Let's go up to my room and you can explain the situation."  Not good for the sibs, who just lost their front row seat to The Smackdown..  Up in my room, I continued to get the lip and complete absence of eye contact, punctuated occasionally with high-pitched, inarticulate whining.  After 30 minutes of attempted avoidance and denial, he FINALLY admitted that he was not following directions and then he cried hysterically for another 10 minutes.  I hugged him and reassured him that dad and I will always love him and it's okay to make mistakes. However, problems at school always mean consequences at home and that for the rest of the night he had lost his TV, computer, and video games AND tomorrow he needed to go to the recess ladies and the student teacher an apologize and tell them what he was going to do differently next time.  He accepted this bad news with resignation, sniffed up the last of his tears, and carried on with his electronically diminished evening. 

The next day I emailed Miss Johnson to find out if he apologized to her.  No he didn't, and he claimed he didn't know who the recess ladies were, so no apology there either and he came back from PE crying because he had gotten the Dreaded Pink Note from the PE teacher Mrs. Wilson for not following directions in PE!  Three strikes.  Bad news.  He slunk in the door at 4:30, avoiding eye contact at all costs, hoping to go unnoticed.  No such luck.  He was dragged back up to my room for another Smackdown.  This time, however, it only took about 10 minutes of pouting/avoidance/whining before he 'fessed up and the crying only lasted about 5 minutes.  But.."because you didn't get the message the first time, you lost all your electronics again tonight AND you have to stay in your room except for dinner AND dad is going to drive you to school tomorrow and walk you in to find all the people you need to apologize to and make sure you do it." 

The next day was not fun for poor Solomon.  Dad witnessed the teacher apologies, but the recess ladies were not in yet, so he told Thomas to verify that Solomon did apologize to them and report out at dinner.  Thomas LOVES to play any role in connection with meting out justice.  At dinner he verified that, yes indeed, Solomon did apologize to the recess ladies.  I said to Solomon, "I'm really proud of you for handling this, honey.  Was it really hard for you?" and he said, "I am very scared, so I go to corner of playground and I pray 'Jesus, make me not be scared' and then I go say 'I am sorry I not listening to you and I do a better job listening now' and they say 'is okay Solomon' and Miss Jenny is hugging me and then I go back to corner of playground and I pray 'Jesus, help me not do any more bad stuff today so I do not have to apologize to anyone else!'"  Beautiful.  How can you not adore a kid like this?

So all is well for several days.  Miss Johnson reported improvement, no Dreaded Pink Notes, everything is cool.  Then last week Solomon came in the door with head down, lip out, but this time he is already holding the Dreaded Pink Note in his hand.  No attempt to avoid the inevitable.  He was going down hard and he met his fate with courage and resignation.  I said, "Solomon!  Another pink note?  What happened?" 

"Mom, I am having a very bad day.  My stomach is hurting all morning, VERRRRRRRY bad, but you say no calling home unless you is barfing so I just stay but my stomach is SO sore and then I eat lunch and it is better but then my head is hurting VERRRRRRRRRY bad, and my eye is hurting too [note to reader:  this is extreme manipulation because he knows we worry endlessly about his eyes so this was really his ace in the hole, used only for dire straits] and then I go to PE and then..... I get pink note for squeezing the chicken."  Big sad tears come out. 

Okay, so...  I'm thinking several things simultaneously:  a) squeezing the chicken????  what?!?!?!?!  I hope that doesn't mean what I'm afraid it means.  b) don't laugh don't laugh don't laugh don't laugh  c) what am I going to come up with for the next level of consequences?   d) I can't WAIT to tell Brian!!!

But I calmly say "Can you explain exactly what chicken you were squeezing and why this was a problem for Mrs. Wilson in PE?"  Turns out they were playing a game like Steal the Bacon and they were using a rubber chicken as the object to steal.  Mrs. Wilson had asked all the kids to not touch the chicken while she was giving directions but to a little kid who'd never seen a rubber chicken, that thing was crazy cool and begging to be squeezed!  He just couldn't resist!  It's squishy! It's neck doesn't crunch like a real chicken when you twist it!!  But then, Mrs. Wilson, who is really running out of patience with Solomon, laid down the hammer and gave him the Dreaded Pink Note.  As he's telling me all this, and I'm holding the Dreaded Pink Note, and the big sad tears keep rolling down his face, he pulls out a tiny bright orange ticket from his pocket.  This was a "Caught Being Good" ticket that he had also earned for responsible behavior in the hallway.  The poor kid was faced with the evidence of his day:  The giant 8 1/2 x 11 Dreaded Pink Note for squeezing the chicken and the tiny 1x2 Orange Note for doing the right thing.

So he got a lot of hugs and recognition that he has been making many, many good choices every day and we know how hard he has been working to follow directions.  And we know that it's really hard sometimes to be a good listener, but that Mrs. Wilson really needs to know that he understands what is going on and he needs to listen in PE too, even when it's hard.  And yes, he lost all his electronics again tonight, and yes, he was going to have to apologize again, but Dad and I will talk more about consequences when he get home from work.

So when Brian walks in the door I said, "You are not going to believe what Solomon did today!!!" and explained the whole thing to him.  We laughed and laughed and laughed and then Brian said, "I'm going to have some fun with this one!"  So Brian gave Solomon the same firm but loving lecture I did and this time he said, "Solomon, I think you need to write your apology in a letter to Mrs. Wilson and just to make sure you get the point, you'd better write it twice."  (to me:  "So we can keep one, it's going to be hilarious when he's a senior in high school!!!").  So Solomon writes:

Dear Mrs. Wilson,
I am sorry for not listening to you in gym class.  Next time when you tell me to stop squeezing the chicken I will listen to your directions and I will keep trying to follow the directions.
Thank you
Solomon 

So one note got taken to Mrs. Wilson (who has a terrific sense of humor and found all this just as funny as we did) and one note got filed away for future humiliation. 

Since then, all has been quiet.  We'll see how long it lasts. 

Better Late Than Never... Christmas in Review

So many people have asked us "how did the kids like Christmas?"  I think this song pretty much sums it up.  They loved the stuff, but they were so happy to have a family, that was the best part for them.  Thomas and Meredith also saw Christmas differently this year... through Solomon and Tinsaye's eyes.  

New Year's Eve 2010

I am glad to see 2010 come to a close, only because I don't think we could cram anything else into this year.  I'm not going to rehash everything because it's all on the blog here somewhere.  I'm really glad to have the record of our amazing year because many things seem like a blur only a few months out, so I know I'll forget so much as the years go on. 

Yesterday we took the kids rollerskating.  We went last week too and Tinsaye and Solomon picked it up immediately (one more new American thing they've mastered).  Yesterday as the kids were skating around like maniacs and Brian and I were sitting on a bench like a couple of old fogeys, we had kind of a simultaneous premonition of our life in years to come.  The kids were doing their own thing, totally independent of us, solving their own problems and having adventures without us, while we happily rest and watch them with pride as they soar off on their own.  For now we only get glimpses of that life, and then it's back to our current reality ("mom, my skate came undone, I lost my quarter, can we get a pretzel?).  We are trying hard to remember to appreciate these years and be grateful for all the blessings along the journey.  

Speaking of blessings along the journey.... Brian and his dad have been working on installing a new garage door opener (our died last week) for the past 5 hours and 20 minutes.  They ran into some major problems followed by minor problems followed by interruptions which are now causing them to miss Notre Dame's bowl game.  Brian just passed by on his way to get another tool and said, "Did I ever tell you how much fun it is to be the dad?"  to which I replied, "Almost as much fun as it is to be the mom!"  I spent my day vacuuming petrified french fries out of the minivan, buying $180 worth of groceries and then putting them all away, applying an ice pack to a suspected concussion, and feeding four Baert kids, one neighbor kid, two angry men, and myself.  Although I have a strong suspicion our lives will be on this track for a while now, I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

Snow Day Musings

"If you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.  The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.  You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail."  Isaiah 58:10-11


A friend sent me this scripture to encourage me when I was whining to her about how hard the day-to-day stuff is for me (she was in Ethiopia with us bringing home 2 girls to join her 2 boys, so she is totally living my life).  The imagery seems a little off right now, especially when there's 8 inches of snow on the ground with sub-zero windchills, but I have really needed some frame strengthening (and a snow day really helps!)

The new kids have really struggled with the Christmas season.  They were feeling pretty comfortable in America when suddenly, the day after Thanksgiving, everything changed.  Decorations and lights were everywhere, the music on the radio changed to Christmas tunes that everyone else except them knew, people kept talking about traditions and events that were totally unfamiliar to them and expecting them to be excited.  Everything was suddenly scary and new again.  And even in the most secular observances of the holiday, the focus is on family... a topic which stirs up all the trauma of the loss of their first family.  They both started having dreams of Ethiopia, having trouble sleeping, and acting out.  Tinsaye especially has been processing a lot of grief.  After being sassy and disrespectful to me, mean to Solomon, and getting sent to her room, where she cried and cried, she said to me, "Mom, I don't know what's happening to me.  I am never a bad girl in Ethiopia and now in America I am so bad."  She is just really having a hard time with all of it.  

The good news is they are through the worst of it and feeling more peaceful and comfortable now.  We have spent most of our time at home.  We have said no to almost every invitation anywhere, we opted out of some activities we usually do, we watched Ethiopian religious music videos while we decorated the Christmas tree, we have spent lots of time on the couch under lots of blankets eating popcorn and watching Christmas movies so they can absorb American Christmas culture in a safe place and ask all their crazy questions ("Mom, what is mistletoe?  Who is Frosty the Snowman?  Why there is song about him?  Is he with Jesus? What is reindeer? Why they not having snow deer, it's snowing at Christmas?  All we have to do is write on list and Santa brings it ALL????).  We try to downplay Santa, but they think he's just like all the other magical things in America:  fresh water, free education, paved roads, automatic doors, ATMs, and Santa.  He's no more astonishing than those other things.  And I'm hoping they're clear on the fact that, NO, he doesn't bring it ALL.  

So at the end of the day, when I have answered 12 billion questions (many for the third time), wiped endless tears, broken up multiple fights, and hugged everyone over and over, I am spent.  I was telling this all to my hairdresser and she got all teary and said, "Joan, I don't know how you do it.  I get all emotional just hearing you talk about it and you have to do it everyday."  And I realized that God continues to do what He promised... I am a 'spring whose waters never fail' because He gives me the patience to sit on the floor and hold a sobbing Ethiopian for 20 minutes.  There's no way I'm doing that on my own.  And He is absolutely 'guiding me always' because somehow I find the words to comfort and reassure when I am always terrified I'll blow up in anger and frustration.  And my 'frame' is definitely 'strengthened' when I have the energy to make lunches, email teachers, fix ripped snowpants, and wrap gifts after dealing with a full day of work followed by four more hours of traumatized children.

Now, do I get it right all the time?  Definitely not.  In fact, I just had to stop writing this blog post to find the TV remote for Solomon and Thomas's boots and just caught myself yelling (and I quote), "I am going to KILL the next person who expects me to find something that he left in some stupid place and that includes you, Brian, because your idiotic hat is exactly where you left it when you came in!!!!"  I'm not Super Mom.  But I guess I am Supernatural Mom, because God is faithful and He supplies what we need.  Including a snow day,  because I really needed that today and TA-DA, here it is!  On behalf of myself, my kids, and all the children and teachers in Southeast Michigan, thank you Lord for a blessed snow day!     

Thanksgiving Update

People keep telling me "I wish you could post on your blog more often, but I know you're busy."   I'm right there with you!  But since it's Thanksgiving and I have more things to be thankful for than I can even count, I figured I'd squeeze in a quick update.

Thomas spent three days at Fifth Grade Camp earlier this month.  It was a terrific time, mostly hands-on science curriculum and it was right up his alley.  He came home feeling even cooler than he was before (as if that's possible).  It was funny how much Mere, Tinsaye, and Solomon missed him.  They kept saying, "I wonder what Thomas is doing now?" and when I told them that they should get used to it because someday he was going to college without them, Tinsaye started crying.   She pretty much can't deal with any more family changes right now. 

Speaking of Tinsaye, we've been pretty overwhelmed with a big issue for her:  her age.  Her birth certificate issued by the Ethiopian government said her birthdate was 7/2/2002.  The longer she was here, the more convinced we were that she was older than 8.  She knows she's older than 8 too, but Ethiopian calendar and tradition of counting birthdays differently made it really hard for us to determine the correct age.  Plus she's doing really well in school (2nd grade) and we don't want to change her grade right now.  So after a bone scan, a consultation with an international adoption specialist doctor, our pediatrician, a family therapist, and her teachers, we are officially changing her birthdate to 7/2/2001, making her 9 1/2.  She seems happy with this and at peace (which is a big relief since she we have had lots of emotional drama surrounding this issue).  Thomas is VERY relieved to still be the oldest.  We may move her up a grade at some point, but this year she is staying put.  We applied for her Michigan birth certificate with the age change and we'll have to go to a hearing in Oakland County court to present the medical reasons, but after we have a new MI birth certificate, we can get federal documentation and be done with it forever.  

I keep forgetting to update you all about the kids' medical issues.  We've spent a lot of time this fall dealing with doctors, even beyond all the stuff dealing with Tinsaye's age.  We saw a geneticist who confirmed that they both have Axenfeld-Riegers Syndrome.  We also had full cardiology exams for both kids since the genetic anomaly can lead to cardiac malformation too.  They were both completely normal and healthy!  We are supposed to see an audiologist also to rule out any ear malformations, but I feel confident that they hear just fine, so we've put that off for now.  Both Solomon and Tinsaye's eye pressures continue to improve and Tinsaye's vision has actually improved somewhat (from astonishingly bad to just remarkably bad!).  Solomon goes back for a recheck with the ophthalmologist next Friday and if pressures are still good, we will plan a surgery to fix the strabismus (wandering eye).  He doesn't know about the surgery, I think he'll be really scared.  We'll just deal with it as it comes.  Both kids' teeth are a disaster.  Many adult teeth never formed in utero, so they will just have to have bridges or implants or something, but they are too young to do anything about it now, so they just look crazy.  Solomon actually got his two adult bottom teeth, but never lost his baby ones... the adult teeth just came in behind the babies, so he's a total Shark Boy right now.  He cried and cried because the Tooth Fairy never came for him!  We are all caught up on their immunizations for now, so that is one less thing to deal with.

All the kids are playing community ed basketball right now and having fun with that.  Beyond that, school and church keep us unbelievably busy.  The girls are preparing for First Communion in the spring, so they just had their First Reconciliation.  Meredith was very worried because she could not think of any sins she needed to confess and if she made any up, she'd be lying, which would be a sin that she needed to confess!  Quite a quandary.  She eventually decided to own up to "ignoring her dad" and "hitting her brother" and she felt really good about her confession.  Tinsaye made a list of about 10 ordinary sins like "fighting with my brother", but then in the heat of the confessional, she told me she panicked and admitted to "pantsing my brother in the front yard, but it was on accident and I said I was sorry ten times, but he no listen to me, he is so angry".  It must be hilarious for the priest to hear first confessions!  Thomas went to the training to be an altar server.  It seemed like a good idea, since we often serve as host family and Thomas helps on the altar frequently.  However, when we realized that he was going to have to carry a giant lit candle up the entire aisle and put it in a holder without starting a fire, sit without figiting in front of hundreds of people for the entire hour, and carry wine around without dropping it, I figured that it might not be such a great idea after all.  Maybe I could get him an earpiece like the Secret Service guys wear and talk into my sleeve while he's up there, saying things like, "watch where you're going, quit picking your scabs, tie your shoe, hold the chalice with BOTH hands!"  Or maybe we can just wait a year or two. 

Overall, we are just blessed and blessed and blessed.  And tired.  But blessed.

November 6-- Faith Day

November 6, 1997:  I have a new job, we are in a new house, our world is great.  Now we're ready to have a baby!  Everything is going along just perfectly according to plan. 

November 6, 1998:  I have had two miscarriages and now I'm not getting pregnant again.  I am so full of grief, fear, and longing that I feel broken inside and I'm not sure I'll ever be happy again. 

November 6, 1999:  Another miscarriage, more doctors, a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis.  Now I'm pregnant again and too scared to be happy.  But I'm farther along than before and I continue to pray.  If it doesn't work out this time, we are looking into international adoption next.  Knowing that we will have a family one way or another gives me peace.

November 6, 2000:  Perfect baby Thomas was born in March.  After a rocky start, he's doing great and we are finally the family I have been praying for.

November 6, 2001:  Everything is going great in our lives.... maybe we should be thinking about baby #2.  Am I ready for all the doctors?  For feeling terrible when I go off my arthritis meds?  We'll give it a shot, but nothing heroic.  If it doesn't work out, there are millions of children in this world who need a family.  If I've learned anything, it's that God has a plan for us.

November 6, 2002:  I'm pregnant and expecting a miscarriage any day.  I refuse to get my hopes up...but...the early ultrasounds look good, the hormone levels continue to rise (did I mention how much I LOVE bloodwork and doctors?) and I'm puking daily.  God, give me the strength to endure whatever you have in store for me.

November 6, 2003:  Meredith arrived in June and NOW we are finally the family I have been praying for.  It's a lot of work, though.  I'm working days and Brian's working nights and we hand off each afternoon.

November 6, 2004:  We've got it all under control.  Lots of work, but it's all good.

November 6, 2005:  Thomas is in school, Brian's back to days.  We're making plenty of money, kids are getting easier.  How perfect is this life?  Thank you God for all our many blessings.

November 6, 2006:  Yeah, I'm sure I'm crazy , but there's just this tiny little thing... I'm wondering if maybe our family is not quite done.  Seems a little bit like someone is missing.  But I just can't deal with all the fertility stuff again.  And I'm really over the whole baby scene.  Hmmmm.....

November 6, 2007:  I'm pretty sure two kids are missing from our family.  I'm also pretty sure Brian is going to kill me.  I just can't get it out of my head.  Somebody needs us.  It makes no sense at all.  Why would we mess up our perfect family?  If this is what God wants for our family, he's going to have to work some serious miracles. 

November 6, 2008:  Brian just called to tell me he was laid off today.  How about those miracles, God?  You think THIS is going to help?  Now what do you want from us?     

November 6, 2009:  Brian spent an hour this morning at a prayer group at church (that wouldn't have happened a year ago).  In his prayer he said, "I guess this call to adopt is not going to go away.  I have tried to ignore it for a long time and I'm tired of sitting on the fence and being afraid.  If this is what You want for us, You're going to have to work some serious miracles.  We have NOTHING under control and we have NO plan now, so bring it on."

...meanwhile, on the other side of the planet....a woman was walking away from an orphanage where she had just left her two children.  Through her tears her prayer was, "keep them safe, Lord, take care of them."  The children were consumed with grief and fear.  They were told to smile for the camera as they took their intake photo.  The date stamp on the photo says November 6, 2009. 

November 6, 2010:  My four kids are asleep in their sleeping bags in the basement because they all would prefer to be together rather than apart at any given moment.  I am up very early because apparently I am supposed to write this blog post (when I wake up at 4:50am with all this stuff in my head, I've learned that it is because someone needs to read it).  I look at my life, I look at their lives, and I am overwhelmed at what God can do when we pray, when we wait, when we trust.

Today is our family's first annual celebration of what I guess we're going to call Faith Day.  For us, it is a celebration of all the ways God has taken care of us, especially when it seemed like things were going really, really wrong.  I need those reminders when I am exhausted and overwhelmed (a lot of the time!).  It's also a day to be reminded how important it is to ACT in faith.  So many things get in the way of us acting on our faith:  our comfortable American life, our bank accounts, our age... the list is long and personal.  But my crazy family is living proof that God is only limited by our lack of courage to let go of our fears and act. 

Happy Faith Day, everybody! 

Solomonisms

"Mom, mom,mom,mom,mom....can I off my pants?"

"These things (mittens) is hot my fingers!  They can't go out!"

"I have BEEEG (big) problem on the bus today.  Joanna say she is love me!  I no love her, but I no want to hurt her feelings.  What if she is kiss me?  Deeshgusting!"

"Mom, I have another beeeeeg problem on the bus.  This girl, I no know her name, it is something start with V and her face is like China.  She say to me "are you gonna sit here?" and I say yes and she yell at me "NO, YOU IS NOT SITTING BY ME!" and I get VERY angry and yell at her "YES, I IS SIT HERE, BUS DRIVER SAY" and she say "Bus Driver, Solomon is yelling at me!" and I very angry and little bit scared."


Mom, it is very cold today.
  Yes, but it's going to get colder.
Will it go to 5?
  Yes, someday.  That's really cold.
When it is 5 will I have to wear my mittens in my classroom?
  No, it's warm inside.
But how it stay warm inside?  5 is VERRRRRRY cold!

Mom, can I wear my elevator pjs?
  Your elevator pjs?
Yeah, you know with the guy?
  What guy?
The guy, elevator, on Star Wars?
  You mean Darth Vader??????????????
Yeah, Darth Vader.  Can I wear those pjs?  Can I off my pants?