Paper Pregnant

Adoptive moms like to say we are "paper pregnant" because we look normal on the outside, but all the paperwork says we are expecting and in our brains and our hearts we are very definitely gestating.  It's weird because if I looked as pregnant as I feel, people would be telling me to sit down and rest, put my feet up, take it easy, "let Brian do that", and other nice things that generally let me off the hook.  They would forgive me for forgetting to send back the permission slip for the field trip, for turning in my professional development forms late, for the weeds in my flowerbeds, for randomly bursting into tears, for being wide-awake at 3:30am with my thoughts racing. 

I'm paper pregnant with twins and I'm not even getting nine months... we will fly on June 11, seven months after we mailed our adoption application (I guess that was "conception"?  No where near as fun as the old-fashioned way!  Although now that I think about it, our "old-fashioned" pregnancies required the participation of an OB/GYN, a reproductive endocrinologist, a rheumatologist, several lab techs, a pharmacist, and lots of drugs.  Sort of a group effort and not fun at all).  

How does paper pregnant compare with physically pregnant?  I haven't gained 30 lbs, I have no (new) stretch marks, there's no alien-like creature inside me squirming around,  grinding his/her little noggin into my pelvic bones.  That's all really good.  However, I'm really tired most of the time, I'm having trouble sleeping, I can't concentrate, I'm weepy and over-emotional, and I have a big circle on a date on the calendar and I feel this crazy combination of anticipation and dread increasing daily as it gets closer.  I feel frantic thinking about getting their rooms ready and getting them clothes.  I'm packing a bag (and Brian's filling it with food).

I keep thinking:  what will they sound like?  what will they smell like?  how will they change our family dynamic?  what will they struggle with?  will I be able to help them?  how will I handle everything?  will I love them right away?  what if I don't?  what if they won't eat?  what if they won't sleep?  what was I thinking?!?!  And all these thoughts are pretty much simultaneous and frequently in the middle of a staff meeting, church, or the middle of the night. 

If you've ever been any kind of pregnant you know exactly how I feel right now.