January, February, and March are really terrible for me. I struggle with seasonal depression and every year it gets a little worse. January is usually pretty manageable because I get a decent momentum coming in from Christmas and I can generally count on a snow day or two. March is usually super busy at school and that means more stress, but at least it goes by quickly, plus there's always at least a couple really sunny and warm days. When Easter is early that helps too. But there is just no getting around the fact that February is hideous. It is cold, dark, gray, and ugly outside and somehow that just creeps inside me. I always get sick in February and I don't get better for weeks. My defective immune system is even more compromised when I am depressed.
This year has been the worst yet. I wake up and sometimes lay there and cry because I can't face the day. But I always manage to drag myself out of bed and put on my game face and use up every ounce of energy I have at school. Then I come home and have nothing left emotionally for my family. I am so tired I want to go directly to bed, but I manage to make dinner, get everyone where they need to be, pay the bills and answer the emails, then to to bed and start over the next day. On the weekends, all I want to do is sleep. I am in survival mode, and I am functioning so that everyone thinks it's all okay, but I am not enjoying anything and kind of avoid being with people. Mostly I'd just rather sleep til spring. Plus, we've had no snow days! That's enough to make any teacher depressed!
Today is a good day. I've upped my vitamin D and I'm forcing myself to exercise more. I bought myself some new shoes this week which is really great because a) I actually wanted to go shopping and b) new shoes are a proven antidepressant (especially when you get them on clearance at DSW). I spent and hour and half doing Tinsaye's hair this morning and I enjoyed my time alone with her and truly had fun. When you are depressed, fun seems like something a million miles away. I know I will feel down again, but today is good and I'm going to ride the wave.
I have so much to be grateful for that I feel bad about being depressed. I don't talk about it with anyone except my sisters because there's nothing anyone can do and it somehow feels "weak". Like if I could just pray harder or be more thankful I could just make it go away. It's not completely debilitating because I manage to function, but the joy is missing. Right now, I think it is just a chronic condition that I have to manage, like my arthritis.
The really good news is that in 35 days I will be laying on the deck of a Royal Caribbean cruise ship headed for Cozumel, Grand Cayman, and Jamaica, soaking up the sun and thinking about how I managed to make it through another winter.
I also struggle with winter depression. Mine starts right after Thanksgiving and runs usually until the end of Feb. It's sad that I don't enjoy Christmas, and Feb. is a very stressful month for me with the birth and death anniversary of my daughter. My anniversary is the 28th of Feb. and usually that day pulls me out of my depression and I'm good for the rest of the year! So happy that you're going to be getting away...and on a cruise...how fabulous!
ReplyDeleteJoan,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this very real look into your life. I think more people feel this way than anyone realizes or is willing to admit. By sharing, you are validating others who are feeling the same way and helping us to remember we are not alone. You are allowed to feel depressed, grateful and guilty all at the same time.
Thank you, again, for writing this post. You are an inspiration to me and so many of your students. (You don't have to feel like you're an inspiration to be one. :)
Love,
Erinn