Where the heck have you been?

So I love blogging and I used to have lots to say and post much more.... why have I come to a screeching halt?

My last post at the end of February was about managing my seasonal depression.  It got MUCH worse before it got better, I missed two weeks of work in March, but I survived until Spring Break.  I could write a whole post about depression, and maybe I will, but suffice it to say that I was just barely getting out of bed and managing to not cry.

We had a terrific cruise to the western Caribbean the first week of April and I felt like I could breathe again.

Then it was spring sports season:  Thomas played lacrosse, Tinsaye and Solomon played soccer.  No travel teams, nothing elaborate, but every single night was getting someone somewhere on time, with the right gear.  This also involved coordinating everyone's homework and projects so everything got done with whatever help was needed.  Plus dinner (must be healthy, inexpensive, reheatable and portable to accommodate whoever had to be somewhere or was coming home late).  All this after working all day.  And feeling crummy.
 
But more than anything else, my job completely sucked.  I'm not comfortable publishing too many details, but in a nutshell:  too many students, a few really awful parents, and a changing culture that has taken authority away from teachers and schools and expects no personal responsibility from or consequences for students.  Additionally, it appears that I have a complete inability to lower my standards and work less hard.  Top it off with the fact that I make less money every year and have no way to change that.  It was really, really bad.

However, I made it to June.  Somehow, we ALL made it to June.

You know what I've discovered in all this?  When our family was changing, when things were dramatic, I had a powerful sense that I was doing the right thing, that God was the driving force behind the miraculous stuff going on, that I could do it all with His help.  Brian and I were working together toward goals, seeing results, making things happen.  It was exciting!  When I was blown up or having a bad day, I still felt that push from God that He had a plan and I just had to rely on Him and I felt like I could do it.  This past year, nothing was new, changing, or dramatic.  It was just life.  Go to work/school, sports, homework, blah, blah, blah.  Kids need new shoes, buy a birthday present, we're out of bananas, reschedule the piano lesson, do a load of laundry.  "Pick up your coat, put that permission slip on the desk, no more cookies, clean out the litter box, and if I find toothpaste all over the bathroom again there are going to be some SERIOUS consequences!"  Nothing out of the ordinary was going on, I was just on the treadmill doing it all over and over every day.

I know this is where most people live most of their lives.  For me, this is WAY harder than living with some drama unfolding.  The monotony, the sameness, the static feeling makes me wonder why I'm doing it.  I very easily turn to self-pity and question the value of my days.  It feels like a spend all day at school saying the same things over and over to students who don't listen and then I go home and say the same things over and over to my kids who also don't listen.  Even worse, Brian feels the same way.  When we are being dragged down by the relentless kids-house-work-weekend grind we blame each other for our frustrations.  "If only you were more (fill in the blank), things would be better around here."  It's ridiculous, but we do it.

I want to rely on God more to show me the value and the joy in the boring stuff.  I need to pray more often for patience in the small and annoying things.  He has been so present, so powerful in all the big stuff, why do I think He's not around for the muddy shoes on the floor and the stupid snack I forgot to bring to soccer practice and the fourth reminder to practice your instrument?

This blog is called "Stepping Out Of The Boat", and we did a good job of that.  We stepped out, it turned out great, the end.  Only it's not the end:  the big drama is behind us and now we have to keep walking FOREVER with our eyes on the One who called us out and who is with us just as much now as He was then.  For some reason, I guess I forgot that when Peter got out of the boat he had to KEEP his eyes on Jesus to keep his head above water.  

I'm renaming this blog Stepping Out Of The Boat... and Then Continuing To Try To Not Fall Down And Drown While Walking For The Rest Of Your Life.  And now I'm going to try to do it.