Solomon needs glasses. AGAIN.
That kid has broken, bent, lost, damaged, or outgrown countless glasses in the last three years. Lenscrafters hates us because we cash in on their free repair/replacement policy about four times a year. This time he needed a new prescription. He was at the ophthalmologist a couple weeks ago and his glaucoma was under control but his nearsightedness had worsened by .75 in each eye. We kind of guessed this was happening because we kept finding him sitting on a stool 16 inches in front of our 50" television and squinting while playing FIFA 14 Soccer on the PS3.
We've been too busy to get in to Lenscrafters so it comes down to Friday afternoon. Brian is (of course) still working, Thomas is going to a haunted corn maze with a friend, Meredith is at the neighbors', Tinsaye found her own ride back and forth to soccer practice, and I yell outside, "Sol! It's now or never! Get in the van, we're going to get your glasses!" Moaning, tears, agony...Mom just killed his epic game of football with Max on a beautiful October afternoon.
Like this is my idea of fun. Spending my Friday night at the [grotequely consumerist monument to American excess] mall spending MORE money [that comes out of my persistently decreasing paycheck] on glasses that will [inevitably and prematurely] get destroyed [by a soccer ball, football, or brother]. Yeah, I know how to really rock a Friday night.
That is my normal rant, but the teeny, tiny, hideous whisper in the bottom of my brain that I try to ignore also adds "...for a kid that you CHOSE to adopt. What else could you have done with your time and money if you didn't adopt him?"
This goes to the heart of every adoptive parent's greatest fear... regret. A sickening form of 'buyer's remorse'. Looking back at the series of well-intended choices you've made and thinking maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. I believe it is the fear of encountering this regret that stops many people cold in their tracks as they consider adoption. What if I never feel like this is "my" child? What if I don't love him? What if I change my mind? Here's the really bad news: even if you clear that hurdle and you do adopt and you do love him and his is your child and you don't change your mind, you will still occasionally hear that hideous whisper asking you "what if..."
I have found that the Hideous Whisper comes when I am tired in all the ways a person can be tired. It comes when Brian and I are arguing about money. It comes when I literally trip over all the bikes/shoes/balls in the garage or when I am running late because of too many kids too little time and I just can't get everyone where they need to be when they need to be there. I'm at my limit and there is is: "...what if...?"
Here's what I have learned though: ignore it and wait.
We get to the mall and walking in Solomon takes my hand. He's my last hand-holding kid. He's chattering away about something that happened at school, completely unaware of how much I love to hold that small brown hand and how precious it is to me and how deeply I am aware of the quickly approaching time when he would rather die than hold his mom's hand at the mall. And then I feel the big, slow, heavy squeeze on my heart that puts a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.
The Lenscrafter lady fits him for glasses and he asks nonstop questions: where do they make the lenses? where do they make the frames? will they bend? how does your computer measure my eyes? and I watch him taking it all in and the Big Squeeze comes again and I wonder where all his questions will take him and I cannot wait to see what he does in this world.
Then we go to the food court and he is devouring a giant plate of Sesame Chicken. Through a big grin with noodles hanging out of his mouth he says, "Hey mom, we're having a date!" and the Big Squeeze comes yet again.
Then he tries on his new glasses and with unbridled excitement he squeals, "that sign WAY OVER THERE says '50% off clearance frames'!!! I love these glasses! Thank you Mom!" and I'm squeezed so hard I can hardly see through my tears to pay [with my Flex benefits card that was declined due to 'insufficient fund balance remaining'].
When the Hideous Whisper of fear comes I ignore it and wait because I have learned that the Big Squeeze of love will always come and it will always be infinitely more powerful than the fear.
